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There is a space between what we say and what we think, and that gap is never fully realized. But we can continue to try to connect the points, and eventually maybe we can get somewhere.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Relics of my Childhood

There have been a few things lately that have been enormous reminders of my self for myself. They have all come from different facets of my life, but all together they have amounted to an incredible meaning I hope I never loose sight of. Lately I have been feeling that every day is a test. A test to stay a strong individual of a person I have yet to find. But in those daily tests I am given advice.

Every year on my birthday I am given advice, openly and obviously, from significant people in my life. It has been sort of a tradition. This year, being away from my original home, I was unable to receive advice like I had in the past. But it still came, just in different forms: from a friend at work, on a birthday card, from a phone call and irrelevant conversation, and from absence of  few people who I love so much. It was every day experiences that held underlying meanings that regularly I would not have noticed. Only because it was my birthday did I pay so much more attention. 

It is that attention that I know I must hold onto. That focus to see more than what is there, because so often do we just view through our eyes and not also through our brains and hearts. Without that attention we become clumsy with what is delicate... and I cannot let things become a mess. My tests are small, but I must get through them. There is so much capacity to be filled. 

Maybe I'm just talking gibberish now, but I hope you understand a bit. I have come to a personal understanding- I have come so close to making the connection- and I hope so much that I able to hold onto that connection and see it through. Maybe it is selfish, but I don't think so. Finding one's self is so tricky sometimes, and I want so deeply to know who I am. 

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