A Circus Rant

What were we thinking when it stopped?

That it would all stop? That's it? The end? The finale? The closure of the conclusion?

No, we couldn't have thought that.... but I guess we did...

I guess we thought that afterward it would all be different.

We would all be ridiculously successful and life would be oh so grand.

Isn't that what they told us? That's what they told me... didn't they?

Or did I just grow up thinking that's what would happen,

because of what I saw my parents do,

and my friends parents do,

and the famous people on magazine covers,

what they do too.

So it must be true

But perhaps that's not so much the truth

as perhaps it is what it is.

And after so much exhaustion

After so much exasperation,

there's more?

No, that can't be it.

That was the end. Finito. Fin!

It couldn't keep going that way.

The juggling like it's some kind of an unending sideshow for kids.

I never got enough nickels this way,

so why would I keep going?

Your arms hurt after too long, and your eyes start to cross.

But I knew that wasn't the end,

or did I?

It's something confusing

I go back and forth with what it is,

how I felt

how I feel

the longest game of pickle

during the longest juggling act.

But somehow I'm supposed to make decisions,

aren't I.

That's the catch.

When you look at what's been happening

for the past seven years of your life

and you think

"Seven years is an awfully long time"

and then you sink into it

the memories of all of it.

You step through each event as if walking a tight rope,

and some steps are painful, but

you keep moving to keep your balance,

and at the other side, you know what you did wrong,

but each step was made right.

So you look at those seven years,

and you start to get it together,

critical analysis is what it's called, I think,

or that's what they told me,

and you start to pick out the problems, pick out the progressions,

pick out the pain and the pleasure,

and you sit there, with your p's all piled up nice an proper,

and you make decisions.

And that's the kicker,

the clincher really too.

You reach the end, and all it is

is just the end of a circus show

and now it's back to "life"

whatever reality is that doesn't involve a ring leader telling you what to do.

It's all on you now,

to leave the show,

and then know where to go.

Just moving on to something new, I suppose.

Nothing too difficult, I guess.

And maybe what it is that ties it all together

is that thrill,

of possibly letting the ball drop,

or possibly missing your step,

and that's why

no matter who is directing you

it never ends.

It just keeps going.